The Man Rules

Nothing to do with Easter, or holidays. Just a good, clean laugh, culled from a post on a friend's Facebook profile. It makes me laugh, and the Good Lady Wife too, so it can't be bad!

The Man Rules-------------------

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story. We always hear " the rules "
From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports : It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as baseball , or Football, or golf, or Sex . (Or in my case computers and roleplaying games)

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

I haven't the foggiest

Just to continue proving that I am alive, two news stories that have just caught my eye on the good old BBC website.

Firstly, proof that I'm growing older, with the news of the death of one of the quiet men of comedy, Brian Wilde, aka Foggy. For several years while I was at primary school I fondly remember The Last of The Summer Wine not for it's content, but simply for its name - the programme to be in bed by on a Saturday (or was it Sunday?) evening. Not the worst way in the world to go though, by any means.

And the second? Well, it would appear that a crematorium is set to offer podcasts of funeral services. Given that many crem funerals are at best uninspiring (a bit like most crematoria themselves) I can't really see such a massive market for 'virtual funerals.' And more to the point, are minister's fees inclusive of Performing Rights (or should that be performing rites?) After all it's frustrating enough to know that the organist's fee exceeds the minister's already....

Ho hum. Back to work.

Signs of the Times

At some time in the distant past I wrote, either in the old blog or even in my journals, something about those A4 posters that used to appear about this time each year, printed in red on white, with a picture of the crucified Christ, if I remember correctly, saying "This is Holy Week." (Ring any bells?) Even then I wondered if many people actually understood them.

So when I had an envelope appear through my letter box this morning, A4 sized, from my Church Secretary, I wondered if the same thing had struck here.

What could it be? What was it that I was being asked to encourage people to put in their wondows? Posters to advertise the forthcoming car boot sale, the greatest source of income for our little, and still lead-challenged, parish. How times change!

I might not be very keen on the practise, but I've yet to deliver on a suitable alternative...

(Then again: it's interesting how many people have said to GLW that they thought the church was not in use any more. I wonder what the criteria are for that impression? Could it be that they only see the words "Services by arrangement" relating as it does to Evening Services on the noticeboard -I think that's what they say - while writing down the Vicar's telephone number? )

Hmm. Something else to ponder.

Technophilia Sorely Tested

(Activate rant mode)

Well, I'm alive, honest. I've just had not a lot to say.

Except now perhaps. I'm using my lovely new cellular modem, a natty little USB device set up for a modest sum of £10 a month to get me 1 Gigabyte of downloads. Plenty there, I thought, for the times I will use it. After all - I have home broadband, don't I?

Well, at the moment, no. Not for the last few days. Presuming that the diagnostics on the modem/router (a BT Voyager 205 for the techie types out there) are correct, the problem is with the phone line. So thank God for the cell modem.

That's nuisance enough, even getting that far with Holy Week, Easter and the like looming.

So, think I, I'll just sort out an expenses claim for the first two months of the year.

Ha. Firstly I find that BT are still billing me for my previous telephone line (kept to smooth the transition) but sending the bills to this address. I've already paid one without noticing. Now another one has shown up. OK, I can figure that into the accounts and claims.

I find a BT bill (already paid, including a £99 repair fee from last time - long story). But then, as if for the first time I see it was far larger than it should have been as I'm paying Tiscali for an inclusive calls and (currently non-existent) Broadband package.... and BT at the same time, and have been since October!

So I dial up the shiny new modem to check. Online bank statements confirm the Tiscali billing. My email works fine. So why when I try to log in to check my bills with them does it tell me I don't exist?

I really don't need this now!

What I do need is a drink!

(terminate rant mode)